Maybe it's in the near turning of 35, or the passing of my father, or the daily adult questions coming out of my four year olds mouth, in which Dan's "I don't know buddy, eat your pancake" type of response is no longer satisfactory; responsibility has been swapping me in the face lately. (You might call it a fly swatter, Hannah calls it a "swapper.")
It has gotten me doing a little thinking and if I'm being honest, a little panicking. Because somehow I have to pull myself together to explain parts of death to a four year old (she asks me about it almost every day). Because somehow I need to let go of things that make me sad; a devastating event that I will never comprehend, and trust that God had a reason. And because somehow instead of always being on the receiving end, it is time for me to learn to more often be the giver. Responsibility. Heavy.
I ended up here.
My stack of bibles. Where I have most often found hope and encouragement. Let's take a look, from the top down: a) Pocket New Testament, inherited from my dad, a gift he received from his Sunday school class b) The Living Bible, also inherited from my dad, an anniversary gift he received from my mother (previous post here) c) Sanctuary, NLT women's devotional bible, a Christmas gift from my mother in law Jan a few years ago d) Good News Bible, a gift from my Sunday school class e) NIV, a gift from my step sister Jennifer the day our parents were married f) NASV Ryrie Study Bible, a confirmation gift from my church. Are you seeing a theme here? All of them were a gift to me. Not to discredit that; they are of course some of the most important gifts that I have ever been given. But at what point does my faith become less about the gift I have received, and more about the responsibility of giving it to others? When do I begin to pray for others more than I pray for myself?
I started running again in February of this year. I don't consider myself a "runner," I am far too flaky for that. In fact, in the midst of hot summer temperatures I have pretty much determined if you were to label me then "fair weather" would most certainly have to precede "runner." In any case, I am enjoying the comfortable temperature runs for many reasons: it is a great way to start the day as it clears my head and helps me focus, it helps me to feel like I have accomplished something for the day (other stay at home moms may relate), and lastly, and how this relates to the rest of this post - I am responsible for it and have the satisfaction of complete ownership. Of course I have the support and encouragement of other family and friends that also enjoy running, and thankfully a husband that encourages me to get up and go and very willingly takes care of our kids that wake with the sun. My point is that support only goes so far - I have to be the one that runs, nobody else can grind out that first mile for me. But with that also comes a great sense of accomplishment - because nobody else can. And one morning while I was out on a run it hit me, so it is with faith. It is time for me to own it. Nobody else can. It is my own responsibility.
I ended up here.
My very own brand new Life Application Study Bible (NLT). For me. Chosen by me. Paid for by me. It's the bible that I will use for...ever, which is hopefully a very long time. I haven't yet, but will soon be paging through all of the old bibles and noting favorite verses and cards left inside the pages, those gentle reminders of faith that I have saved through the years of Sunday school, youth groups, friends from TLCC, etc...what lasting impressions and memories exist on tiny pieces of paper! And is the case with my father, it is my hope that someday when my children remember me, this bible will not be far from those memories.
I ended up here. Psalm 46:1, this is where my bookmark (and my heart) belongs.
(In memory of my dad and where he marked The Living Bible I inherited)
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