it's father's day. a day that makes me extremely happy to be the wife of such a loving man and wonderful father to my children, but also a day when i miss you terribly. i still recall how awful the first father's day was without you, how in one of those rare moments i had almost "forgotten" and stumbled upon the father's day card aisle to pick out cards for my father-in-law and step father. i grabbed one, read it, and with hands shaking gently folded it and returned it back to the shelf choking back some tears. damn you hallmark. i haven't been back.
almost four years have passed and a lot has changed. i say this like i need to update you, but i have a feeling you know. reminders of you are everywhere. quite possibly the two biggest changes to my life since then are the births of my two baby boys. i see you gave them each a single dimple on their cheeks.
i find you in the happenings of daily life as well. around the time i became pregnant with beckett (i say this for some at the expense of my sanity) while out for a run, your blue swishy track pants plain white old man athletic shoes wearing presence was so real i moved over on the path to make room. you have been coaching me along ever since and and frequently reminding me in that last mile that we are all on the homestretch.
it has taken me some time to get here but i want you to know that i am ok. reminders like these no longer bring a deep sadness of the void that i feel without you here. there was a time i felt a great deal of anger just seeing people with their fathers, overhearing a random stranger call out "dad," and thinking about how much losing you will mean to my children.
like the good husband he is, dan has helped me face a stark reality here: "they will never know the difference." i will (because of how close i was to grandpa art) but they will be just fine living their entire lives never having a single memory of you. hard to take, but even more so his final point: "they will remember having a sad mother."
nobody wants that, especially me. so instead of being sad, little by little i choose to take these encounters and appreciate the gentle way they remind me of you and your presence in my life - then and now.
i may not be able to send you a hallmark card, but i want the world to know how much of a difference you made in my life. thank you for loving me no.matter.what. there were so many times you put my needs above your own and i could never repay you for that. what i will do is make a promise to choose to be happy and to love my husband and my kids the way you loved me.
love you dad,
amy
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| [found in your things] |
