dear dad :: unsaid

dear dad,

It's been five years now. There was no warning. No time for anything. No goodbye. I am incredibly thankful that I know the last thing I did the last time I saw you was hug you, tell you I love you, and say goodbye. One advantage of living a few hours away; that's how every time ended before we drove home.

Over the last five years I have struggled with acceptance. Some days I still don't believe it; you really are gone. We lost you the way we did. We put your body in a casket. We buried you. I will never again see you on this earth.

I feel incredibly fortunate that we didn't leave much left unsaid. But there is one thing that has been bothering me. One thing I never asked you. I have wanted to write about this for years now, but I haven't really known what to say. Until now. Because today you gave me resolve.

The question:

Why didn't you ask me to run on the track team in high school?

It wasn't just a track team it was your track team. You were the coach. You coached girls track for years and not one time did you ever talk to me about running, much less ask if I wanted to...I don't know...go for a run?

Over the years I have tried to answer the question myself.
-I was too fat. Yep, I've lost weight since high school.
-I was not gorgeous or popular like the other girls that ran track.
-You didn't want pressure put on you or me because you were the coach and I was your daughter.
-You thought me being on the dance team was enough to keep me busy.

This past summer I wrested with this a lot while out running. I think I came up with the response you would have given me if I ever would have been given the chance to ask:

You never asked me.

You never talked to me about running. You never expressed any interest in running, I never one time saw you run.

Touche, dad. That is all true. And that did make me feel better but it still didn't make me feel good.

Today you pointed me in a different direction, away from my own selfish interest. You answered me with a question:

What good would have come from asking?

I felt you telling me I may have some valid points and may even be right about your response. But what about the sad look on your face after I asked? What about the nights you would have stayed awake wondering if you let me down, because all you ever wanted in life was for your kids to be happy. Wait. Was leaving it unsaid a gift?

And I kid you not the minute I realized it was Pandora picked "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift for me. Tears.

You told me to let go. You told me to remember that back in 2007 when I first started running, you were the one that wanted to buy your all grown up daughter her first pair of running shoes. I may not have the shoes anymore dad but I'll never forget them. There's something really special about that first pair.

love,
amy

my first pair

Never Grow Up

Taylor Swift

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in and turn on your favorite nightlight

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At fourteen, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out
Someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your p.j.s getting ready for school

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to
Please try to never grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just never grow up

if this works

...I may never buy laundry detergent again! 

I wanted to record this recipe and thought I'd go ahead and write a blog in case anybody else was also curious about the process and results.

I'm always looking for ways to make my life easier. I know what you are thinking...making laundry detergent...how is that easier than just buying it? Well, if this works, I think this little canister should last me 5- 6 months. Plus, sensitive skin runs in this family and I kinda like knowing what's in it. You know those "soap people" have me wondering. Why do the containers have to be so large and heavy? What is in it? Why is the cap/scoop so much larger than the amount you really need? Hmmm....you know what I think, I think it's because they lye. :) Quite possibly my worst Mom joke ever. Let's be real here, I just can't afford the space/weight in my Prime Pantry box during winter hibernation!

I altered the recipe slightly that I found on this site. I am making a half batch this first time around. I was not able to find OxiClean Baby at Walmart or Target, so I went with the regular Oxi Clean. It doesn't rate as high on the environmental scale but decided since it is the first time making it to use what I normally have on hand. I also used a different brand of castile soap - Dr. Bronner's Unscented Baby-Mild, which I found at Whole Foods. If you want your detergent to be scented they have a large variety of scents there. I got the washing soda and baking soda at Walmart, check the laundry aisle where you normally buy your detergent...it should be there.

Ingredients:

Arm & Hammer Laundry Booster Super Washing Soda 3 lb. 7oz. box - use 1/2 box
Arm & Hammer Pure Baking Soda 4 lb. box - use 1/2 box
5 scoops Oxo Clean Versatile Stain Remover (which is half the container)
2 - 5 oz. bars Dr. Bronner's Pure-Castille Soap Unscented Baby Mild

Makes approx 11-12 cups detergent

*Here is how I mixed it. I hand grated the baby soap just like a block of cheese. Then I mixed about a cup or so of the grated soap with a cup or so of the baking soda into my mini-Ninja processor. I pulsed it for just 20-30 seconds or so until it was very fine powder (resembling the baking soda), then dumped it into a large pot. (*I have no idea what grating soap will do to your kitchen tools so if you are concerned you should do some research first. I think it made mine cleaner?). Continue that process with the remaining grated soap and baking soda. The rest of the ingredients you just dump into the pot and stir together. It took about 30 minutes to make because AJ was helping. :)

Then you just get yourself a container and 1 Tbsp scoop. Use 1 Tbsp per load, maybe 2 at most if you have a super dirty load. I know what you are thinking "ONE Tablespoon?" How can that possibly be enough when I normally use about 1/2 cup of liquid detergent. I'm also curious! I'm hoping it's as much success as switching from dryer sheets to dryer balls was!

Wish me luck! (& stay tuned for an update!)

amy


PS. While on the topic of laundry, I recently finished painting my laundry closet. The third time it's been painted in 10 years and I landed on (drumroll please) .....WHITE! Hee hee got to love the irony in that. And yes I painted two coats (again, er I mean for the third time) behind the washing machine and dryer. I think I may have had some sort of breakthrough this time though because I actually wast wondering while crouched under there paintbrush in one hand, flashlight in the other, where my mind has gone. I mean I still had to do that second coat though. But I love it! So fresh and so clean clean. Let me just enjoy this moment without thinking about how many loads of laundry are stacked up...

if i could wrap all of those i love in a quilt :: a birthday quilt for james!

I knew after I gave Jenny her quilt last Christmas that I was in trouble. Jenny knew this as well the second she picked up her gift from me. I had done a good job keeping it a secret but there wasn't much surprise left when she picked up the large gift bag and realized the quilt-like weight of it. I even recall hearing her mutter "uh-oh" and looking nervously at me and James as she began to take the tissue out of the bag. You see, James has been asking me for a quilt for quite some time now!

With every quilt I make, I have some time to clear my head and think. I can't help but consider who it is for and why I am making it. Each time it teaches me something. This time around I couldn't help but think about the fact that James is actually the first person to ask me for a quilt. There is something special about giving something [artistic and time consuming] to someone when you know that they will appreciate it. As it is with any gift giving, I'm probably not alone here, I do a little questioning about whether a person will like or use the gift I want to give them. Part of me that wonders: Will it be used? Is a homemade quilt the right thing or would the recipient rather have a quilt from Target or Potterybarn (that would have cost probably at least half as much and taken no time at all)?  I am sure all of the quilts I have made for others are well loved, I don't doubt that. In the end it is always worth it for me, but this time it was nice to know ahead of time that he really wanted it, and not just to look pretty on the couch but so he could use it!

And so the lesson here is - don't be afraid to ask for what you want...thanks to James for reminding me of this throughout the process of making your quilt! I also would like use this opportunity to document that I outsmarted James. Lets just say he is the worst person to give a gift because he guesses so easily (sparing no one or no gift) what is inside the package. I wasn't sure if he thought I was making him a quilt for his birthday, but if he did, and I handed him a quilt sized box he would have for sure guessed what it was, totally ruining it. So it took me some time to figure out the appropriate way to give it to him without spoiling the surprise. Upon arrival to the cabin on his birthday, as we were unpacking the car I simply threw it at him unwrapped and ask him to take it inside. I totally got him. Yeeessss.

And as with any quilt gift I like to include some personal shots.

i'm asleep

no really i'm sleeping

Pattern: I winged it using half square triangles in a herringbone pattern. Inspiration credit given to this post at newlywoodwards.com. Inspiration also taken from his Moomba wakeboard boat colors.

moby one

Fabric used: All solids, Kona brand. Backing is a plain black Queen sized flat sheet from Walmart.
*Also* This tutorial for making half square triangles was a huge timesaver!!
Quilting was done on my very basic sewing machine. I used basting spray instead of quilting pins because I read that it not only saves time but works better when quilting straight lines. I debated a lot over what color of thread to use but decided on black because I thought it might not contrast as much since there is already so much pattern going on. The quilted lines are 1/4"away from the edges of each square, giving a simple pinstripe pattern on the reverse side.

On to the next one!

::
amy

seven

I'm seven today!

Birthday sundaes!

My new bike!

All ready to see Cinderella with my friends!

New outfit and first pair of wedges. You've  been wearing them since 7am!

Take a bow....or curtsey!

Hooray!

This post (grab the tissues) has been all I can think about the past couple days. I am in complete disbelief that you are seven. SEVEN?! You are beautiful inside and out. I am so proud of the young lady you are becoming. Happy birthday!

xoxo
mom

if i could wrap all of those i love in a quilt :: bev and jenny

It all started years ago when we realized Dan had a button down shirt problem, or rather an elbow problem which after time wore a hole in each sleeve. They were no longer suitable for donation but seemed crazy to just throw away those comfy worn beautifully plaided shirts....wait a minute...quilts! Naturally, I decided to make the process for making a quilt take longer. Simple patchwork has typically been a favorite style for me but for this round of quilts I decided to change it up a bit.

If you have ever said goodbye to someone you love, you know how difficult it is to see their belongings after they have passed. Belongings are one thing. Clothing is another. If you haven't had to sort through a loved one's clothing after they have passed don't pretend to understand how difficult it is. In the case of my dad and his sudden passing this was especially difficult. To see his boots worn to the shape of his foot. To smell his strong cologne burned into the fibers. To see what he was wearing the last time I saw him. And oh the piles of whitey-tighties (gotta smile at that). When it came to the button down shirts, I knew I needed to save those. I offered to make my step mom Bev and my sisters a quilt of dad's shirts if they wanted one. I didn't want to do the work if it was going to be something that would only cause sadness or uncomfortable feelings. Would you think it was weird to cover up with a quilt made of a (cringe) dead man's shirts?  Bev and Jenny were an immediate "yes" and Holly decided that she did want a quilt, but his t-shirts meant more to her so she decided to have someone make her a t-shirt quilt instead (I'm not skilled in the t-shirt quilt department).

It may have taken me four years to fulfill my promise but here they are. I gave them both as Christmas gifts this year. They are used entirely of dad's shirts - except - the back of both of them are a solid sheet & on Jenny's quilt the white and the edge are both purchased fabrics.

Bev's Quilt

Pattern :: Oh my Stars! by Make it Do I picked this pattern for Bev because I really wanted to include stars on her quilt. She loves blue and white and then I added the other colors to accent.

Types of shirts used :: flannel (plaid), corduroy (light brown), chambray (purple, white, gray), heavy weight (navy)

I love to try to include pictures of someone either with their quilt or showing pics of them in their home - here it is in Bev's house!

Jenny's Quilt

Pattern ::  Diverging Diamonds in Fabulously Fast Quilts by Amy Smart
This quilt is strip pieced which is quilt a bit faster (like if you say, start on it the week before Christmas). I chose the oranges and browns for her because it reminds me of the colors in the cabin and would also coordinate nicely in her home.
Types of shirts used :: chambray, white is Kona brand

snow picnic anyone?

quilt back...ah those lovely crinkles

i think she likes it!

Working on these I often thought about the transformation of these shirts. Taking something that once hurt to look at and turning it into something beautiful that now comforts us and makes us smile; how we must choose to do that over and over again as we grieve. What a privilege it has been to make these quilts. I think Dad would think they turned out really great too.

::

amy


2 Corinthians 5:17
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life has gone, a new life has begun.