He is like me

Taking some time to remember my dad today, on what would have been his 70^th birthday. I like to get out old pictures and celebrate his life, and what a great dad he was. I especially love pictures of him near the age I am now. I was too young back then to have many memories of him but the pictures tell me so much.

Christmas dinner 1980 rocking the 3 piece suit with a full beard

Summer 1984 helping Grandpa Art build the log cabin like a boss (I seriously almost ordered those Cortez aka Forrest Gump Nikes last year. Now I might have to.)

February 28, 1987 His 40^th birthday (I included this one because omg I turn 40 this year)

His birthday tends to be one of the most, if not the most difficult days for me of the year. It’s a day when I miss him the most. I can’t do something that I did without exception before he died – call him and tell him Happy Birthday. It’s his day, it’s always been his day, and he isn’t here.

Birthdays were special to him and I have tangible proof - the miniature gold & crystal birthday cake he gave me on my golden birthday August 23, 2000. So…first of all he remembered it was not just any birthday, but my golden birthday. Second of all he went to a gift store and bought me a tiny golden cake. How precious is that?!

my tiny golden cake

While I love the pictures and objects he gave me, there is something more that he gave me – a lifetime of memories with him. There are two memories I have of him that have been running through my mind over and over and over in the past year. They seem almost too ordinary or too simple on the surface but I think he might be trying to tell me something.

(1)

It was 2005. We were building our house in Polk City and dad wanted to go for a (long) motorcycle ride, so he decided to come see us on his bike. It was his second trip out and with the first trip we laughed because apparently I gave him bad directions (Hey, it’s not my fault if he didn’t recognize the landmarks and I’d like to just point out that in recent years I’ve gotten better with N-S-W-E directions). Anyway, I was talking to him and about to remind him where to turn and he stopped me. He didn’t give me a hard time about the directions; he just said matter of factly “Let me find you” (and he did).

(2)

We were going to Sioux City for the weekend. Hannah was about 8 or 9 months old. We drove in Friday after work and had plans to go out for dinner so we asked my dad and stepmom if it would be ok to bring Hannah to their house so she could sleep and then we would come back and pick her up before going over to my sister’s house where we were actually staying. They of course said it would be no problem. She had already fallen asleep in the car and it was dim in their living room so we decided to just lay her down on a blanket on the carpet and that way they could keep an eye on her while they watched tv (I don’t remember what they were watching but I assume “Walker Texas Ranger”). We left and returned a few hours later. We came inside and dad was in his blue recliner, holding Hannah. She was fast asleep with her head on his shoulder. I say “Oh great…I thought this was going to be so easy, sorry if she didn’t sleep well.” My dad’s response “Oh no, we’re fine. I wanted to hold her.” And he had – the entire time we were gone.

::

In these simplest of moments you can recognize what kind of father and grandfather he was. But there is a different message here for me, and for everyone he knew. It’s about our heavenly father’s love for us. I forget how deep it is. I think the world wants us to forget that, to forget that we pray “Our Father.” In these memories I feel my dad whispering 

“He is like me. He will find you. He will hold you.”

I'm sharing memories of my dad but when I look at the dads all around me; my husband, family members, friends, neighbors...at the love they show their children and how honored each one is to be a dad; this is so beautiful and profound to me. 

James Bruce Netley

February 28, 1947 – August 30, 2010

if i could wrap all of those i love in a quilt :: my mom

I have been working on a quilt the past couple of months and I recently realized that I forgot to do a blog post after I gave my mom a quilt this past Christmas. Oops! This is a little late.

I had planned on making my mom a quilt for quite some time. She is after all, the person I credit with any sewing ability I possess. As a child, she taught me how to sew. I will always remember is that she took the time to be patient with me in learning this skill, which is not an easy thing to do with a child. This has impacted my life in major ways as it has been a necessary creative outlet for me. She also is the person that I credit with giving me my first quilt, and even if it was one that she picked out for herself and purchased at Walmart, somehow it made it into the pile of bedding that I took to college, and the more I washed and dried it, the more it became my favorite blanket.

Last fall I realized that I didn't have any quilts already in process and the timing was right for making her one to give as a Christmas gift. The pattern I used is Red & Cream Stars #107 by Fig Tree Quilts, and is a lap sized quilt measuring 58"x70". I really like the traditional look of this pattern; my favorite part being how the star points extend into the corners of the quilt border. I picked the mint green fabric because I know it has always been a favorite color of hers (no coincidence that her Prius matches). I liked the contrast of the mint green with the salmony-orange and as always I love to use Kona white to lighten. The back of the quilt is a plain gray flat sheet, and is quilted with simple and straight grid lines. I love how the binding appears invisible as it coordinates with the border on the front, however provides a sharp contrast with the gray backing on the reverse side.

Here she is using her quilt and she asked me to add a comment:
"This quilt is one of my life blessings.
So blessed by Amy's talent and creativity.
I pray for her and her family each time I lay under this
beautiful quilt Amy created especially for me."

On to the next quilt! You may not believe this but after 20 years (oh God can that be right?!) mine is pretty torn and worn. So, it's for...me!

::
amy

happy birthday dad :: a letter he wrote me

This year as we stumbled to get the Christmas decorations down from the attic we realized that after 10 years in one house...we have collected a lot of junk that is taking up space for no reason. So after we took the decorations back up, it was time to get organized. I came across my save boxes - four large rubbermaid totes - packed with things from my birth through college years. We hauled the boxes down to the dining room table and I began the sorting process. I had saved elementary school artwork and projects, scrapbooks and don't forget my sticker collection, college art portfolios, and just about every card or letter anyone had ever given me.

What I have now, after sorting through all of my dad's things, is perspective. This perspective, however morbid it may seem, forced me to think about how I would feel about someone else having to dig through all my junk after I die. I started sorting and throwing the majority of it away, and at the end of the day I was emotionally spent. I hadn't really given much thought to what it was going to be like for those memories to surface again; childhood memories tied to the home I lived in for two decades of my life, the awkward adolescence and high school years, memories from summer camp where Dan and I met, my parents divorce, my amazing and carefree college experience at Iowa, the passing of my grandparents - everything and every decision of course compounded by the unexpected passing of my dad five years ago now. 

I saved my most favorite things, keeping in mind that whatever I decided to keep had to make me happy, or might be fun to show my kids when they are older. Anything not fitting that criteria went in the trash. I ended up condensing things down to 1 rubbermaid container. As exhausted as I was at the end of it, in many ways it felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It felt good to let go.

I read every card and letter, hoping to find something amazing. I did. If you have been reading letters I have written to my dad (here and here) you will probably understand how much finding this means to me. This letter he wrote me, something I haven't read since he gave it to me nearly 16 years ago, is still very relative today. It's something that he not only wished for me, but for all of those he loved.

Graduation day U of Iowa '00

Dad's Westmar College graduation photo '69

I feel like your pants are a little short, college boy.

He was just the best in every way. I love you dad. Happy birthday!

:: amy

ps. All this college talk has me thinking. I was good at painting. I should do that again.

dear dad :: unsaid

dear dad,

It's been five years now. There was no warning. No time for anything. No goodbye. I am incredibly thankful that I know the last thing I did the last time I saw you was hug you, tell you I love you, and say goodbye. One advantage of living a few hours away; that's how every time ended before we drove home.

Over the last five years I have struggled with acceptance. Some days I still don't believe it; you really are gone. We lost you the way we did. We put your body in a casket. We buried you. I will never again see you on this earth.

I feel incredibly fortunate that we didn't leave much left unsaid. But there is one thing that has been bothering me. One thing I never asked you. I have wanted to write about this for years now, but I haven't really known what to say. Until now. Because today you gave me resolve.

The question:

Why didn't you ask me to run on the track team in high school?

It wasn't just a track team it was your track team. You were the coach. You coached girls track for years and not one time did you ever talk to me about running, much less ask if I wanted to...I don't know...go for a run?

Over the years I have tried to answer the question myself.
-I was too fat. Yep, I've lost weight since high school.
-I was not gorgeous or popular like the other girls that ran track.
-You didn't want pressure put on you or me because you were the coach and I was your daughter.
-You thought me being on the dance team was enough to keep me busy.

This past summer I wrested with this a lot while out running. I think I came up with the response you would have given me if I ever would have been given the chance to ask:

You never asked me.

You never talked to me about running. You never expressed any interest in running, I never one time saw you run.

Touche, dad. That is all true. And that did make me feel better but it still didn't make me feel good.

Today you pointed me in a different direction, away from my own selfish interest. You answered me with a question:

What good would have come from asking?

I felt you telling me I may have some valid points and may even be right about your response. But what about the sad look on your face after I asked? What about the nights you would have stayed awake wondering if you let me down, because all you ever wanted in life was for your kids to be happy. Wait. Was leaving it unsaid a gift?

And I kid you not the minute I realized it was Pandora picked "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift for me. Tears.

You told me to let go. You told me to remember that back in 2007 when I first started running, you were the one that wanted to buy your all grown up daughter her first pair of running shoes. I may not have the shoes anymore dad but I'll never forget them. There's something really special about that first pair.

love,
amy

my first pair

Never Grow Up

Taylor Swift

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in and turn on your favorite nightlight

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At fourteen, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out
Someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your p.j.s getting ready for school

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
And no one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Oh I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up
Wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to
Please try to never grow up
Don't you ever grow up
Just never grow up

if this works

...I may never buy laundry detergent again! 

I wanted to record this recipe and thought I'd go ahead and write a blog in case anybody else was also curious about the process and results.

I'm always looking for ways to make my life easier. I know what you are thinking...making laundry detergent...how is that easier than just buying it? Well, if this works, I think this little canister should last me 5- 6 months. Plus, sensitive skin runs in this family and I kinda like knowing what's in it. You know those "soap people" have me wondering. Why do the containers have to be so large and heavy? What is in it? Why is the cap/scoop so much larger than the amount you really need? Hmmm....you know what I think, I think it's because they lye. :) Quite possibly my worst Mom joke ever. Let's be real here, I just can't afford the space/weight in my Prime Pantry box during winter hibernation!

I altered the recipe slightly that I found on this site. I am making a half batch this first time around. I was not able to find OxiClean Baby at Walmart or Target, so I went with the regular Oxi Clean. It doesn't rate as high on the environmental scale but decided since it is the first time making it to use what I normally have on hand. I also used a different brand of castile soap - Dr. Bronner's Unscented Baby-Mild, which I found at Whole Foods. If you want your detergent to be scented they have a large variety of scents there. I got the washing soda and baking soda at Walmart, check the laundry aisle where you normally buy your detergent...it should be there.

Ingredients:

Arm & Hammer Laundry Booster Super Washing Soda 3 lb. 7oz. box - use 1/2 box
Arm & Hammer Pure Baking Soda 4 lb. box - use 1/2 box
5 scoops Oxo Clean Versatile Stain Remover (which is half the container)
2 - 5 oz. bars Dr. Bronner's Pure-Castille Soap Unscented Baby Mild

Makes approx 11-12 cups detergent

*Here is how I mixed it. I hand grated the baby soap just like a block of cheese. Then I mixed about a cup or so of the grated soap with a cup or so of the baking soda into my mini-Ninja processor. I pulsed it for just 20-30 seconds or so until it was very fine powder (resembling the baking soda), then dumped it into a large pot. (*I have no idea what grating soap will do to your kitchen tools so if you are concerned you should do some research first. I think it made mine cleaner?). Continue that process with the remaining grated soap and baking soda. The rest of the ingredients you just dump into the pot and stir together. It took about 30 minutes to make because AJ was helping. :)

Then you just get yourself a container and 1 Tbsp scoop. Use 1 Tbsp per load, maybe 2 at most if you have a super dirty load. I know what you are thinking "ONE Tablespoon?" How can that possibly be enough when I normally use about 1/2 cup of liquid detergent. I'm also curious! I'm hoping it's as much success as switching from dryer sheets to dryer balls was!

Wish me luck! (& stay tuned for an update!)

amy


PS. While on the topic of laundry, I recently finished painting my laundry closet. The third time it's been painted in 10 years and I landed on (drumroll please) .....WHITE! Hee hee got to love the irony in that. And yes I painted two coats (again, er I mean for the third time) behind the washing machine and dryer. I think I may have had some sort of breakthrough this time though because I actually wast wondering while crouched under there paintbrush in one hand, flashlight in the other, where my mind has gone. I mean I still had to do that second coat though. But I love it! So fresh and so clean clean. Let me just enjoy this moment without thinking about how many loads of laundry are stacked up...

if i could wrap all of those i love in a quilt :: a birthday quilt for james!

I knew after I gave Jenny her quilt last Christmas that I was in trouble. Jenny knew this as well the second she picked up her gift from me. I had done a good job keeping it a secret but there wasn't much surprise left when she picked up the large gift bag and realized the quilt-like weight of it. I even recall hearing her mutter "uh-oh" and looking nervously at me and James as she began to take the tissue out of the bag. You see, James has been asking me for a quilt for quite some time now!

With every quilt I make, I have some time to clear my head and think. I can't help but consider who it is for and why I am making it. Each time it teaches me something. This time around I couldn't help but think about the fact that James is actually the first person to ask me for a quilt. There is something special about giving something [artistic and time consuming] to someone when you know that they will appreciate it. As it is with any gift giving, I'm probably not alone here, I do a little questioning about whether a person will like or use the gift I want to give them. Part of me that wonders: Will it be used? Is a homemade quilt the right thing or would the recipient rather have a quilt from Target or Potterybarn (that would have cost probably at least half as much and taken no time at all)?  I am sure all of the quilts I have made for others are well loved, I don't doubt that. In the end it is always worth it for me, but this time it was nice to know ahead of time that he really wanted it, and not just to look pretty on the couch but so he could use it!

And so the lesson here is - don't be afraid to ask for what you want...thanks to James for reminding me of this throughout the process of making your quilt! I also would like use this opportunity to document that I outsmarted James. Lets just say he is the worst person to give a gift because he guesses so easily (sparing no one or no gift) what is inside the package. I wasn't sure if he thought I was making him a quilt for his birthday, but if he did, and I handed him a quilt sized box he would have for sure guessed what it was, totally ruining it. So it took me some time to figure out the appropriate way to give it to him without spoiling the surprise. Upon arrival to the cabin on his birthday, as we were unpacking the car I simply threw it at him unwrapped and ask him to take it inside. I totally got him. Yeeessss.

And as with any quilt gift I like to include some personal shots.

i'm asleep

no really i'm sleeping

Pattern: I winged it using half square triangles in a herringbone pattern. Inspiration credit given to this post at newlywoodwards.com. Inspiration also taken from his Moomba wakeboard boat colors.

moby one

Fabric used: All solids, Kona brand. Backing is a plain black Queen sized flat sheet from Walmart.
*Also* This tutorial for making half square triangles was a huge timesaver!!
Quilting was done on my very basic sewing machine. I used basting spray instead of quilting pins because I read that it not only saves time but works better when quilting straight lines. I debated a lot over what color of thread to use but decided on black because I thought it might not contrast as much since there is already so much pattern going on. The quilted lines are 1/4"away from the edges of each square, giving a simple pinstripe pattern on the reverse side.

On to the next one!

::
amy

seven

I'm seven today!

Birthday sundaes!

My new bike!

All ready to see Cinderella with my friends!

New outfit and first pair of wedges. You've  been wearing them since 7am!

Take a bow....or curtsey!

Hooray!

This post (grab the tissues) has been all I can think about the past couple days. I am in complete disbelief that you are seven. SEVEN?! You are beautiful inside and out. I am so proud of the young lady you are becoming. Happy birthday!

xoxo
mom