10.02.2014
how you've grown & other favorites from the lake
It went by so fast I almost forgot to post pics at the lake! As always the lake was good to us!
6.15.2014
dear dad
it's father's day. a day that makes me extremely happy to be the wife of such a loving man and wonderful father to my children, but also a day when i miss you terribly. i still recall how awful the first father's day was without you, how in one of those rare moments i had almost "forgotten" and stumbled upon the father's day card aisle to pick out cards for my father-in-law and step father. i grabbed one, read it, and with hands shaking gently folded it and returned it back to the shelf choking back some tears. damn you hallmark. i haven't been back.
almost four years have passed and a lot has changed. i say this like i need to update you, but i have a feeling you know. reminders of you are everywhere. quite possibly the two biggest changes to my life since then are the births of my two baby boys. i see you gave them each a single dimple on their cheeks.
i find you in the happenings of daily life as well. around the time i became pregnant with beckett (i say this for some at the expense of my sanity) while out for a run, your blue swishy track pants plain white old man athletic shoes wearing presence was so real i moved over on the path to make room. you have been coaching me along ever since and and frequently reminding me in that last mile that we are all on the homestretch.
it has taken me some time to get here but i want you to know that i am ok. reminders like these no longer bring a deep sadness of the void that i feel without you here. there was a time i felt a great deal of anger just seeing people with their fathers, overhearing a random stranger call out "dad," and thinking about how much losing you will mean to my children.
like the good husband he is, dan has helped me face a stark reality here: "they will never know the difference." i will (because of how close i was to grandpa art) but they will be just fine living their entire lives never having a single memory of you. hard to take, but even more so his final point: "they will remember having a sad mother."
nobody wants that, especially me. so instead of being sad, little by little i choose to take these encounters and appreciate the gentle way they remind me of you and your presence in my life - then and now.
i may not be able to send you a hallmark card, but i want the world to know how much of a difference you made in my life. thank you for loving me no.matter.what. there were so many times you put my needs above your own and i could never repay you for that. what i will do is make a promise to choose to be happy and to love my husband and my kids the way you loved me.
love you dad,
amy
| [found in your things] |
5.19.2014
beckett
there is one word that hasn't been far from my thoughts since delivering beckett 2 weeks ago. it is so very clear the third time around.
it all started when i realized it won't be long and i won't have to steady his head by holding his little cheeks in my hand while burping.
taking some time to pull photos of hannah and aj as babies for comparison definitely reinforced the feeling. so who does he look like?
suddenly nothing else matters but absorbing each moment with this "wittle guy" (as aj says).
fleet·ing
ˈflētiNG/
adjective; lasting for a very short time.
it all started when i realized it won't be long and i won't have to steady his head by holding his little cheeks in my hand while burping.
| beckett 12 days old |
| mommy & hannah |
| hannah |
| hannah |
| daddy, hannah, & aj |
| aj |
| aj & mommy |
suddenly nothing else matters but absorbing each moment with this "wittle guy" (as aj says).
| hannah & beckett |
| hannah, beckett, & aj |
| party of 5 |
| daddy's looking at you! |
| delivery took 2 hours, 10 minutes |
![]() |
| bullwinkle |
| mommy knitted me a hat |
| sleepy beckett |
| little cub |
| first selfie |
2.28.2014
happy 67th birthday dad
wishing i had more words today
missing you
| hannah and papa jim august 29, 2010 |
Grief
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
2.14.2014
love bugs, a sweet bump, and a fun valentine
happy valentines day!
I had to snap a quick picture today before sweeping Hannah off to school today. I'm feeling so grateful for the kind of love my kids have for each other. It's extra smooshie in a squeeze you literally to pieces kind of way sometimes but it's also very real. I just couldn't ask for more!
There HE is! Welcome to the third trimester! While it has been unexpected, we couldn't be happier to welcome another little love bug to our family. As soon as we found out and looked ahead to the calendar, I knew if we could make it through February we would be just fine. So far, so good! Like everyone I know we are also looking forward to less snow and more daylight!
| hannah's school valentines |
Hannah and I had so much fun making her valentines for school yesterday! Times, they are a changin'. It's not a "Valentine's Day" party, it's a "Friendship Festival." There are no names on valentines (other than who it is from), and food/candy is not allowed. Mmmkaaaay. I may have grumbled a little about this. I talked to Hannah and asked her if she had any ideas. She thought we should give something that kids could use more than once, like crayons. A little searching on Pinterest and the right sentiment was found ~ If you were a crayon you would be my favorite color; simply perfect for Hannah. We bought a box of 96 crayons, which left 4 extras that I told her she could keep. That actually was the toughest part of this activity for her (also watching me stamp them, she really wanted to do that part). In the end, they turned out so cute and the only expense was a $5 box of crayons…and my heart may have also grown a few sizes.
wishing you the same
amy
2.04.2014
my studio space
They have lived in an old junky desk recovered near a dumpster, the attic, they have been shoved in closets and spaces they really don't belong, and been kicked out of rooms and sent to wait in places knowing they won't be used for years. As my life has changed from a young adult, to a college graduate, to a wife, to a homeowner, to a mom, they have shifted over and over again. But today I can finally say my art supplies have a place of their own. A space where they belong. This is a happy day.
Some things are worth the wait.
As we framed out the basement and planned for this space, we didn't really know what to think. It required what seemed like at the time a terribly awkward shaped ceiling bulkhead, a nook that seemed a little large, and an entry that seemed too wide to close off with a door. (What kind of nut jobs built this house anyway?) We did the best we could and hoped it would look ok. After drywall went up we were pleasantly surprised how the bulkhead and nook came together to create a subtle unique space and were happy to realize that by leaving a doorway out it left more room for hanging artwork and made the space feel larger. We agreed on a warm gray tone for the entire basement space and I could not be happier with the wall color. It doesn't feel too neutral, nor too heavy. It's just right.
We moved a couple of furniture items that I inherited from my dad back home last summer, I thought this large storage cabinet (aka "The big green monster") would be a perfect place for art storage. We rented a Uhaul and were not surprised that it was about 1" too big to fit inside. Isn't that how moving goes? Another one of those moments I was happy to have a handy husband who calculated that he could just rip the top off to get it to fit. We returned home, nailed the top back on and discovered it fit perfectly into the nook in my studio. It was almost as if we had designed the nook around the cabinet.
Before he passed, I mentioned to dad how much I really liked the cabinet and that he should paint it white. His response "Oh noooooo! No No No! This is an antique! You never paint it!" Hmmm. As you can see below it is now white. Sorry dad, but it smelled like it had been in an old musty boathouse for many years (as it had been before he acquired it). However, to preserve what I could of the memory, I took a door off, hauled it into Home Depot and found an exact matching paint swatch so that I could repaint the inside the same color as the original. I felt it was a good compromise; it is now functional and the unique and antique green color will not be forgotten. (Tip: applying a coat of satin polyurethane over paint takes the "sticky" out of it, which allows books and baskets to slide better and doors to shut properly). I am so happy that I didn't just paint the inside white, I know I wouldn't like it as much. In fact I love the green so much that I often leave the top doors open.
| before |
| before |
| after |
| after |
To be honest, I'm not sure what this metal basket thing is/was. It is an antique store find. Dan spray painted it white and screwed it to the wall for me. Now I can easily access my paints but my children cannot!
| paint & brush storage |
| before |
| after |
| after |
I purchased the chair also at an antique store. I think it likely was a school desk chair. I sat in it and it was so comfortable and solid I didn't want to get up. Now I shudder at the thought that weeks before I bought it I nearly purchased a newer lightweight piece of junk for twice the price at IKEA.
| project table |
| frame mats covered with one of dan's old dress shirts |
| wide hallway entrance to room |
| my new old chair |
amy
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