1.22.2015

if i could wrap all of those i love in a quilt :: bev and jenny

It all started years ago when we realized Dan had a button down shirt problem, or rather an elbow problem which after time wore a hole in each sleeve. They were no longer suitable for donation but seemed crazy to just throw away those comfy worn beautifully plaided shirts....wait a minute...quilts! Naturally, I decided to make the process for making a quilt take longer. Simple patchwork has typically been a favorite style for me but for this round of quilts I decided to change it up a bit.

If you have ever said goodbye to someone you love, you know how difficult it is to see their belongings after they have passed. Belongings are one thing. Clothing is another. If you haven't had to sort through a loved one's clothing after they have passed don't pretend to understand how difficult it is. In the case of my dad and his sudden passing this was especially difficult. To see his boots worn to the shape of his foot. To smell his strong cologne burned into the fibers. To see what he was wearing the last time I saw him. And oh the piles of whitey-tighties (gotta smile at that). When it came to the button down shirts, I knew I needed to save those. I offered to make my step mom Bev and my sisters a quilt of dad's shirts if they wanted one. I didn't want to do the work if it was going to be something that would only cause sadness or uncomfortable feelings. Would you think it was weird to cover up with a quilt made of a (cringe) dead man's shirts?  Bev and Jenny were an immediate "yes" and Holly decided that she did want a quilt, but his t-shirts meant more to her so she decided to have someone make her a t-shirt quilt instead (I'm not skilled in the t-shirt quilt department).

It may have taken me four years to fulfill my promise but here they are. I gave them both as Christmas gifts this year. They are used entirely of dad's shirts - except - the back of both of them are a solid sheet & on Jenny's quilt the white and the edge are both purchased fabrics.

Bev's Quilt

Pattern :: Oh my Stars! by Make it Do I picked this pattern for Bev because I really wanted to include stars on her quilt. She loves blue and white and then I added the other colors to accent.

Types of shirts used :: flannel (plaid), corduroy (light brown), chambray (purple, white, gray), heavy weight (navy)




I love to try to include pictures of someone either with their quilt or showing pics of them in their home - here it is in Bev's house!



Jenny's Quilt

Pattern ::  Diverging Diamonds in Fabulously Fast Quilts by Amy Smart
This quilt is strip pieced which is quilt a bit faster (like if you say, start on it the week before Christmas). I chose the oranges and browns for her because it reminds me of the colors in the cabin and would also coordinate nicely in her home.
Types of shirts used :: chambray, white is Kona brand


snow picnic anyone?

quilt back...ah those lovely crinkles
i think she likes it!
Working on these I often thought about the transformation of these shirts. Taking something that once hurt to look at and turning it into something beautiful that now comforts us and makes us smile; how we must choose to do that over and over again as we grieve. What a privilege it has been to make these quilts. I think Dad would think they turned out really great too.

::

amy


2 Corinthians 5:17
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life has gone, a new life has begun.

10.02.2014

how you've grown & other favorites from the lake

It went by so fast I almost forgot to post pics at the lake! As always the lake was good to us!

hannah 6 years old
aj 3 years old
beckett 2 months old

6.15.2014

dear dad


it's father's day. a day that makes me extremely happy to be the wife of such a loving man and wonderful father to my children, but also a day when i miss you terribly. i still recall how awful the first father's day was without you, how in one of those rare moments i had almost "forgotten" and stumbled upon the father's day card aisle to pick out cards for my father-in-law and step father. i grabbed one, read it, and with hands shaking gently folded it and returned it back to the shelf choking back some tears. damn you hallmark. i haven't been back.

almost four years have passed and a lot has changed. i say this like i need to update you, but i have a feeling you know. reminders of you are everywhere. quite possibly the two biggest changes to my life since then are the births of my two baby boys. i see you gave them each a single dimple on their cheeks.

i find you in the happenings of daily life as well. around the time i became pregnant with beckett (i say this for some at the expense of my sanity) while out for a run, your blue swishy track pants plain white old man athletic shoes wearing presence was so real i moved over on the path to make room. you have been coaching me along ever since and and frequently reminding me in that last mile that we are all on the homestretch.

it has taken me some time to get here but i want you to know that i am ok. reminders like these no longer bring a deep sadness of the void that i feel without you here. there was a time i felt a great deal of anger just seeing people with their fathers, overhearing a random stranger call out "dad," and thinking about how much losing you will mean to my children.

like the good husband he is, dan has helped me face a stark reality here: "they will never know the difference." i will (because of how close i was to grandpa art) but they will be just fine living their entire lives never having a single memory of you. hard to take, but even more so his final point: "they will remember having a sad mother."

nobody wants that, especially me. so instead of being sad, little by little i choose to take these encounters and appreciate the gentle way they remind me of you and your presence in my life - then and now. 

i may not be able to send you a hallmark card, but i want the world to know how much of a difference you made in my life. thank you for loving me no.matter.what. there were so many times you put my needs above your own and i could never repay you for that. what i will do is make a promise to choose to be happy and to love my husband and my kids the way you loved me.

love you dad,
amy
[found in your things]

5.19.2014

beckett

there is one word that hasn't been far from my thoughts since delivering beckett 2 weeks ago. it is so very clear the third time around.

fleet·ing
ˈflētiNG/
adjective; lasting for a very short time.

it all started when i realized it won't be long and i won't have to steady his head by holding his little cheeks in my hand while burping.

beckett 12 days old
taking some time to pull photos of hannah and aj as babies for comparison definitely reinforced the feeling. so who does he look like?

mommy & hannah
hannah
hannah
daddy, hannah, & aj
aj
aj & mommy

suddenly nothing else matters but absorbing each moment with this "wittle guy" (as aj says).

hannah & beckett
hannah, beckett, & aj

party of 5
daddy's looking at you!

delivery took 2 hours, 10 minutes 
bullwinkle 
mommy knitted me a hat
sleepy beckett 
little cub 
first selfie






2.28.2014

happy 67th birthday dad

wishing i had more words today
missing you

hannah and papa jim
august 29, 2010





















Grief

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

2.14.2014

love bugs, a sweet bump, and a fun valentine

happy valentines day!

my little love bugs
I had to snap a quick picture today before sweeping Hannah off to school today. I'm feeling so grateful for the kind of love my kids have for each other. It's extra smooshie in a squeeze you literally to pieces kind of way sometimes but it's also very real. I just couldn't ask for more!

sweet bump (27 weeks)
There HE is! Welcome to the third trimester! While it has been unexpected, we couldn't be happier to welcome another little love bug to our family. As soon as we found out and looked ahead to the calendar, I knew if we could make it through February we would be just fine. So far, so good! Like everyone I know we are also looking forward to less snow and more daylight! 


hannah's school valentines
Hannah and I had so much fun making her valentines for school yesterday! Times, they are a changin'. It's not a "Valentine's Day" party, it's a "Friendship Festival." There are no names on valentines (other than who it is from), and food/candy is not allowed. Mmmkaaaay. I may have grumbled a little about this. I talked to Hannah and asked her if she had any ideas. She thought we should give something that kids could use more than once, like crayons. A little searching on Pinterest and the right sentiment was found ~ If you were a crayon you would be my favorite color; simply perfect for Hannah. We bought a box of 96 crayons, which left 4 extras that I told her she could keep. That actually was the toughest part of this activity for her (also watching me stamp them, she really wanted to do that part). In the end, they turned out so cute and the only expense was a $5 box of crayons…and my heart may have also grown a few sizes.

wishing you the same

amy

2.04.2014

my studio space

They have lived in an old junky desk recovered near a dumpster, the attic, they have been shoved in closets and spaces they really don't belong, and been kicked out of rooms and sent to wait in places knowing they won't be used for years. As my life has changed from a young adult, to a college graduate, to a wife, to a homeowner, to a mom, they have shifted over and over again. But today I can finally say my art supplies have a place of their own. A space where they belong. This is a happy day.

Some things are worth the wait.

As we framed out the basement and planned for this space, we didn't really know what to think. It required what seemed like at the time a terribly awkward shaped ceiling bulkhead, a nook that seemed a little large, and an entry that seemed too wide to close off with a door. (What kind of nut jobs built this house anyway?) We did the best we could and hoped it would look ok. After drywall went up we were pleasantly surprised how the bulkhead and nook came together to create a subtle unique space and were happy to realize that by leaving a doorway out it left more room for hanging artwork and made the space feel larger. We agreed on a warm gray tone for the entire basement space and I could not be happier with the wall color. It doesn't feel too neutral, nor too heavy. It's just right.

We moved a couple of furniture items that I inherited from my dad back home last summer, I thought this large storage cabinet (aka "The big green monster") would be a perfect place for art storage. We rented a Uhaul and were not surprised that it was about 1" too big to fit inside. Isn't that how moving goes? Another one of those moments I was happy to have a handy husband who calculated that he could just rip the top off to get it to fit. We returned home, nailed the top back on and discovered it fit perfectly into the nook in my studio. It was almost as if we had designed the nook around the cabinet.

Before he passed, I mentioned to dad how much I really liked the cabinet and that he should paint it white. His response "Oh noooooo! No No No! This is an antique! You never paint it!" Hmmm. As you can see below it is now white. Sorry dad, but it smelled like it had been in an old musty boathouse for many years (as it had been before he acquired it). However, to preserve what I could of the memory, I took a door off, hauled it into Home Depot and found an exact matching paint swatch so that I could repaint the inside the same color as the original. I felt it was a good compromise; it is now functional and the unique and antique green color will not be forgotten. (Tip: applying a coat of satin polyurethane over paint takes the "sticky" out of it, which allows books and baskets to slide better and doors to shut properly). I am so happy that I didn't just paint the inside white, I know I wouldn't like it as much. In fact I love the green so much that I often leave the top doors open.

before
before
after
after
The easel pictured above was a gift to me from my mom after graduating college. I felt the original light wood color didn't coordinate very well with the room so I painted it the same color white as the other furniture pieces because that is what Martha says to do. I haven't painted much at all since college and it feels right that as I enter a new stage of painting that I start with fresh looking materials.

To be honest, I'm not sure what this metal basket thing is/was. It is an antique store find. Dan spray painted it white and screwed it to the wall for me. Now I can easily access my paints but my children cannot!

paint & brush storage
My new sewing table also was dad's, his Uncle Lester passed it on to him apparently in a rather lucid moment when he realized he had too much stuff in his place (if you knew Uncle Lester or have heard stories of him this may make you chuckle). I contemplated what to do with it for about a year before I finally hauled it out to the driveway and started sanding. I wasn't sure if I was sanding it to re-stain or to paint white, I just had to start somewhere. I removed a lot of the dark stain from the top and beautiful markings emerged from underneath. It occurred to me that consumers pay a small fortune at certain places not mentioning names Pottery Barn for new furniture that has been beat to hell to look old. I was no longer willing to slop paint over it. I also, however, wasn't willing to sand the rounded and detailed legs to a more unfinished state so they could be stained. So, another compromise came to be and that is why you will see the bottom is white and the top is stained. We repaired the drawer and added a new glass pull as a fun detail. Again after painting and staining I applied a coat of satin poly over the entire thing. It wasn't until I was finished that my stepmom Bev reminded me that Uncle Lester had used this as his ever popular (especially among the kids) "candy table." I love it even more now as I can remember each time visiting his cabin when I was a child, visiting the candy table as well. I really really love how everything came together with my new sewing area.

before
after
after
The table below isn't special really, it's just one that we had. At one point I think it was our kitchen table and was neutral. Then it was stained dark but the type of wood did not accept the stain very well so I was never very happy with it. After a little sanding and paint it is now white and serves the purpose that I need and was much more affordable than buying something new. I like how I can sit at it like a desk, or have extra space to lay out projects, or easily slide out from the wall for additional seating which will come in handy for future scrapbooking sessions with my sister Jenny!

I purchased the chair also at an antique store. I think it likely was a school desk chair. I sat in it and it was so comfortable and solid I didn't want to get up. Now I shudder at the thought that weeks before I bought it I nearly purchased a newer lightweight piece of junk for twice the price at IKEA.

project table
frame mats covered with one of dan's old dress shirts
wide hallway entrance to room
my new old chair
Last summer, I was showing this space to some of my closest girlfriends and we talked about how so many of the things in this space belonged to dad at one time. I hope you don't worry about me or think I feel unable to let go or move on, I remember explaining. It's just so much really cool stuff. I wanted these things because I love them. Yes, some of it reminds me of dad, but mostly I simply think of them as really great old things, things that were built stronger with better materials. So much of what I wish to create reminds me of old times.  Times when there was no Target and you were recognized by your handwriting. Times when things were repaired before they were thrown away and replaced. I feel so spoiled to have a whole room dedicated to creating my own art. I'm sure I will continue to add to the space, as my sister-in-law Mel and I have much antiquing left to explore in DM, but as it is now it is so much more than I ever dreamed of having. I love the space and the light (did you notice Dan installed fancy track lighting for me?) What I think I love most is that the true colors in this space come from the materials: paints, fabrics, yarns, and paper from the actual projects and gifts that I will be creating here.

amy