God Still Speaks, part one

My dad unexpectedly passed away on August 30th. It has been almost three months now and for some reason I feel ready to write again. My dad always loved reading the stories on my blogs and although he never figured out how to leave a comment, he always called me after reading and we would laugh together recalling the events. He won't be calling me after I post this, and that is hard to accept. I have had so many emotions since I first heard that he was gone.

I'm happy; that we had the relationship that we did and I don't have any big regrets. I had the blessing of spending the day with my dad the day before he passed away and I remember very clearly that the last thing I did was give him a big hug, kiss him on the cheek, and tell him that I love him. I didn't have to search my memory banks trying to remember; I was and will always be very conscious of that last moment. I have always been a daddy's girl. My dad knew me, I knew him and we enjoyed spending time together. We were so good at making each other laugh.

I'm angry; that he is gone. How he died. It was at least 20 years early. Why him God? Why now? I wasn't ready.

I'm sad; I can't call him anymore, not at any time or for whatever I need. He is gone. I wish I could remember everything he ever said to me. I think about him and I stop breathing. My heart has a constant ache; in fact I now truly understand what it means to have a "heavy heart." Hannah remembers him now, but I know that won't last forever, and for future grandchildren dad won't be there to welcome them to our family. He will not be there to sing "Grandpa loves a her!" or say "Well...hi!" and click click click to make her smile. (What a baby hog he was!)

I'm thankful; I had 14 adult years with my dad. He was there for many of my happiest moments, like when I bought my first car, my first Jeep, and when I graduated from college. He was there to answer the call from Dan asking for his blessing to marry me. He was there to walk me down the aisle, lift my veil over my head and give me away. I have pictures of dad and me at my wedding smiling from ear to ear. He was there when we built our house and it was in that driveway where he stood waiting for us when we arrived home from the hospital with Hannah. He celebrated life right along with us.

I'm unsure; Yes it happened. I have to tell myself that over and over like I'm schizo or something. It was not just a bad dream. He is gone.

I'm scared; they are big shoes to fill. I don't feel capable. First Grandpa Netley, then Grandma Netley, and now dad - the three biggest Christian influences in my life - all of them have now passed. This Christmas will be the first without grandma and dad.

Amidst these emotions and more, I have been talking a lot to God, more than I used to. I am hearing His voice.

:: the charm ::

On the night of my dad's prayer service, I received a special gift in memory of my dad. Some of my best friends drove all the way from Des Moines to the little Adaville Methodist church near Akron Iowa where my dad grew up. They brought me the gift, a charm for my Pandora bracelet. They knew the history behind my bracelet and that my dad, the collector that he was, had been the one that had most encouraged me to fill my bracelet with charms. The charm they gave me was silver and inscribed in it was a cross, a heart, and an anchor. They explained to me that the cross was to represent our Christian faith, the heart our love for each other, and the anchor was a symbol of the memories spent with dad up at the lake. It was perfect. That evening I carefully threaded it on my bracelet.

The more I thought about it throughout that sleepless night; I decided that really the anchor was a representation for who my dad was. He was the anchor. The next day as we stood in church waiting for the funeral service to begin, I leaned over to my stepmom and told her about the charm and what the symbols each represented to me. She squeezed my hand in agreement.

You can imagine my surprise when during the funeral the pastor said:

"The truth of God's word is an anchor for our soul, it's what we need, giving us strength for today and hope for tomorrow."

I heard the word "anchor" and sat up a little. Was it just a coincidence? It's not like we reference anchors very often...it was so special to me. After hearing this the charm was even more meaningful to me. The next week when I returned to work, I wrote my friends an email stating that I was so grateful to them for the gift and that not only was it symbolic of our memories up at the lake, or that my dad was the anchor, but that at the funeral I had been reminded that the bible is also our anchor. The charm will not only remind me of my dad but that I have my heavenly father's written word to comfort me until we meet again.

To be continued...

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13