God Still Speaks, final

:: the baby ::

December 18, 2009. It was the day of our first appointment. We had been down the road once before but this time it was different. Could it really have been that easy? One month of trying and a positive pregnancy test? After 13 months of trying before conceiving Hannah we were shocked and ecstatic, what a relief! The previous nine weeks we spent making plans and searching for names for our new baby. I was amazed that without any planning on our behalf, the timing would be perfect to tell our families on Christmas. It was going to be the best present for all of the grandparents!

It was going to be. But it wasn’t. The silence in the dark ultrasound room was so thick that you could have cut it with a knife. Our little bean was not moving and there was no heartbeat. I had no symptoms of anything being wrong. Nothing could have prepared us for what that felt like. We began to make calls to our families to let them know.

My first call was to my dad. He spoke to me with his usual reassuring kindness but the inflection and pauses in his voice told me that his heart was also broken and he was crying on the inside. He was sad about the baby, but mostly he was sad for me. This was the most difficult phone conversation for me since moving to Des Moines. I wholeheartedly understood the physical distance between us. I wanted a hug from my dad. I wanted to take a nap on his couch; for him to see the pure exhaustion on my face and reach for a blanket, tucking it under my feet and tight around the sides like he had since I was a kid.

With each passing day the hurt faded, and we tried not to let it ruin our Christmas. My dad called me everyday to see how I was doing. There was one conversation in particular that I will never forget. He called me to tell me that although our hearts were broken, he wanted me to know that he thought one day we would meet the baby in heaven.

Dan and I decided that as soon as we had the doctor’s approval we would start trying again. We quickly realized after a few months of disappointment that we were back to square one. On second thought, negative ten. We began to wonder if Hannah might be an only child. Although we wanted her to have a sibling we knew that if she was our only child that we were fully blessed with her alone. Hannah was an answer to a thousand prayers and not a day goes by that we aren’t thankful for her. I wondered though…if she was an only child, would she carry any resentment toward us? With that on our minds, we kept trying.

We tried everything; charting, temperatures, ovulation predictors, anything that worked for anyone on the internet. But month after month; nothing. So many times I prayed to God “Why? I don’t understand. Why us? Why not?” I knew in time it would make sense. I knew that God’s plan was always better than my own. While it is a comfort, the not knowing is so difficult. Never in my life has that rang more true than during those long months, years, that we tried to get pregnant.

I got my answers the month following my dad’s death.

I quickly realized why I wasn’t getting pregnant. Not that I couldn’t have done it, I know there are plenty of women out there that have, but being pregnant and mourning the loss of my dad at my age and under the circumstances would have been a lot to handle. I think God was looking out for me. We knew after dad passed that it was time to stop trying. We weren’t giving up, we just needed a break.

I’m not sure it is an answer to why it had to happen, but for the first time since losing the baby, I was comforted knowing that Papa was also in heaven, and that they have each other there.

September 28, 2010. I had lunch at out on the deck at Panera and finished reading “Holding on to Hope: A Pathway through Suffering to the Heart of God” by Nancy Guthrie. (Read earlier post if you need a refresher) When I decided to order this book, I had no idea that the author had struggled with losing a baby; two babies, actually. And she did not lose them through miscarriages or stillbirths, she lost two infants. How my heart ached for her but at the same time was inspired by the courage she had to write it out and use her loss for good. Much of what she wrote compared her losses to that of Job in the bible. Was it just a coincidence that I had to read this book? While reading it, not only was I comforted by her words and related so much to what I was going through with losing my dad, I realized that it was also helping me truly mourn the loss of my baby as well. This day, however, was the day that everything regarding the trials of conception became clear to me as I read her words in the Epilogue:

“God is in charge of conception. We would like to think that we have the final word on whether we do or do not have a child. Over and over again in scripture we read that God ‘closed her womb,’ God ‘opened her womb.’ Now I don’t need anyone to explain the facts of life to me; I understand how this works, but Gabriel’s (Guthrie's son) very life said ‘God makes babies.’ ”

When I read this a light bulb didn’t just go off, it exploded. I realized that God had closed my womb and I knew it was to protect me, not to hurt me, or make me question His authority. But just as He had closed it, He could open it again. There was still hope!

September 29, 2010. 5:00am. Positive pregnancy test.


The End.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart – Jeremiah 29:13